Meant to Be
by purplejuniormints
Summary: What would have happened between Mal and Inara if they had gotten  together. Post Serenity. A love story.
1. Chapter 1

As Serenity soared through outer space, its inhabitants were anything but serene. They had witnessed and experienced some of the most terrifying and awful things that anyone has ever beheld. Their dearest friends and loved ones, Wash and the Shepherd, had been killed in their battle against the reavers and in their struggle to reveal a horrific secret to the universe. The absence of Wash was overpowering. Zoe seemed lost and was inconsolable. The vitality that had once shown in her eyes was now gone, and her expression was continually emotionless and dead looking. But she was not the only one in mourning. Everyone was miserable. Even Kaylee was far from her usually optimistic and cheerful self. None of it was right. Wash and the Shepherd were good people. Shepherd was a man of God, even. They did not deserve to die. It wasn't fair, and it was horrible.

How they managed to survive was a wonder to them. If it had not been for River, they would all be dead. No one would have guessed that she would be their savior. Her mental state was still far from normal, but she seemed stable. She enjoyed flying the ship, having something to distract her from her upsetting memories. And now that she needed less looking-after, Simon was finally able to allow himself to be intimate with Kaylee. Their love brought a little hope and bliss to suppress at least some of the sorrow that was ever-present.

Although Jayne was still as egotistical and selfish as ever, the severe events, and the deaths, that had just occurred seemed to mature him a bit. He was more reverent than he had ever been, and the crew was thankful for it.

Although Mal was thankful to be alive, he could not let go of the guilt he felt about the deaths of his friends. He had sworn to protect their lives, and he did not. Zoe's eyes reflected the pain he felt for the death of Wash, but he knew the depth of her pain must be so much greater. He could not conceive what it must be like to lose someone she dedicated her whole life to.

And Shepherd. Even though he had disapproved of Shepherd's beliefs and lifestyle, his death hit Mal harder than he had expected. He never understood Shepherd's past, but he was a good man if there ever was one. Mal would never forget the advice that Shepherd had given him, and regretted never being able to talk to him again.

Inara was overwhelmed by her own sadness and the pervasive gloom within the spacecraft. She had never intended to come back onto Serenity after she left. She did miss them all, of course, but she stood by her decision. But here she was; and instead of fretting over what her next course of action was, she decided to allow herself time to mourn and be here for the other crewmembers. Her absence would not be helpful at a time like this.

There was no set destination, and no one much felt up to doing a job. It seemed like they had enemies wherever they went, and no one was up for a battle, either. So they flew, until Mal could muster up the energy to make a decision.

As a companion, Inara was very attuned to the emotions of others, and was relatively skilled at cheering people up. While she knew her charms would not especially work at a time like this, she was determined to do anything she could. The last thing on her mind was finding work, when her friends so desperately needed support. She was hardly in her shuttle anymore, trying to be around the others as often as possible. She would stay up late talking to Kaylee, help River make dinner for the crew (although Inara usually ended up doing most of the work since River was easily distracted), and she even played a few games of cards with Jayne, who was surprisingly vulnerable at the time. She held Zoe when one night, she finally let herself have the tears that she had suppressed for days since Wash's death. They did not speak as Inara stroked Zoe's hair comfortingly. Inara cried too, both for her sadness at Wash's death and for the pity she had for Zoe. Inara also realized how much closer she felt to Simon after all the trials and tribulations they had been through, and admired him for his never-ending dedication to River. She was also glad that he had finally given in to Kaylee.

Inara had been readily consoling everyone except the Captain. At first, she was not completely conscious of her avoidance of him, but after awhile, it was clear that she was doing everything in her power not to see him. Whenever he would walk into the room, she would make up an excuse that she had to leave. Not that he much protested. He was unresponsive in the days following the incidents, and was just glad to have Inara back on the ship, even if he did not see her. She brought a positive and healing power that no one else possessed.

One night, Inara was in the kitchen making tea for herself. She had trouble sleeping every night, and tea always seemed to help.

"Got any of that special tea to spare?" Kaylee said as brightly as she could muster, walking into the room. Inara turned and smiled.

"Of course. Have a seat."

Kaylee sat down as Inara poured two cups of her tea with special herbs that induced relaxation. She handed one to Kaylee and took a seat across from her.

"How are you doing?" Inara asked as she blew on her tea.

"Oh, sleep-deprived, as usual." Kaylee said. Inara noticed bags under Kaylee's eyes. "Not much room for sleep with all these awful thoughts I've been havin'."

Inara nodded sympathetically. "I understand. I've been having the same problem." She sighed. "Who wouldn't at a time like this? We've been through so much."

Kaylee nodded. They sat in silence for a few minutes, taking small sips of their tea. "I bet this isn't how you wanted to come back to the ship," Kaylee said sadly. "Well, I guess you didn't want to come back at all." She eyed Inara curiously. "You never really explained why you left, you know."

"Didn't I?" Inara said, frowning a bit. "I just wasn't getting enough work flying around in space. And I was getting into trouble more often than doing my job. It just didn't make sense to stay." Her face softened a bit. "But of course I missed it. I wouldn't have left unless I felt that I had to, Kaylee."

Kaylee smiled. "I never thought you abandoned us, Inara. And I knew all that. But I didn't think you really wanted to leave." She paused. "I mean, you would have left a long time ago if that was the real reason you left."

"What do you mean?" Inara said, somewhat on the defensive.

"Don't get all worked up," Kaylee said, smiling. "I just mean…well, did something happen with you and the Captain?"

Inara looked down at her tea. This was the first time anyone had asked her about Mal, and she wasn't sure how to respond.

"I'm sorry if I'm bein' too forward," Kaylee said, putting he hand on Inara's arm. "I didn't mean to push. Just curious is all."

"No, it's fine," said Inara. "I just…well, it's just a difficult subject." She paused. "Nothing happened between Mal and I. But, you're right in assuming that the reason I left had to do with him." She sighed, and looked into Kaylee's eyes, wondering what she thought.

Kaylee nodded encouragingly.

Inara went on. "Mal and I, well, we're alike in a lot of ways. For example, we're both very stubborn. Which is why we often argue, I suppose. We both act a certain way on the exterior but I am, and I know he is as well, actually a caring person. I mean his loyalty to his crew is so admirable, I've never seen anything like it in another man. And he doesn't show it but he cares deeply about certain people and holds true to what he believes is right in the end. He makes me so angry sometimes but I can't let go of…well I can't stop believing in him."

Kaylee's smile widened. "Inara. You love the Captain, don't you?"

Inara looked surprised for a moment, and then blushed, smiling a bit. "Oh, I don't know if I would call it that. I just feel a connection to him."

"A stronger connection than you've ever felt to anyone, right?"

Inara thought for a moment. "Yes…I suppose so."

Kaylee cocked her head. "But you can't do anything about it."

Inara shook her head. "No. There's no room for romance in the life of a companion. Too many hurt feelings. It wouldn't work."

Kaylee looked down, shaking her head. "Such a shame. The Captain has it real bad for you."

Inara thought for a moment. "Do you think so?" she said. "I mean, I don't mean to sound vain, but so many men have claimed to fallen for me, and it seems not to mean anything…"

"Yes." Kaylee said, looking into Inara's eyes. "Yes. I do think so." She laughed. "You and the Captain _are_ stubborn, aren't you? You dance around each other, trying not to say too much, be too forward…kind of like Simon and I were, I guess. And look at us now. We're so happy." She paused. "I'm not tryin' to say you should give up your life, or anything like that. I just mean, love ain't convenient like that. And Inara, you deserve to be loved, I mean really loved, more than anyone. If you wait too long, it might be too late…and you might regret it."

Inara was thoughtful. "Maybe you're right. But it is such a big step to take. I…I just don't know if I'm ready for it."

Kaylee nodded. "That's alright, Inara. Everything will turn out how it's meant to." She smiled encouragingly, and Inara gave unsure smile back.


	2. Chapter 2

Inara did not sleep soundly that night. Her thoughts were anxious and confused as she restlessly tossed in a dream state.

_She is walking through the dark hallways of Serenity, except the ceiling is much higher and the hallways leading in all kinds of twisted directions, so that she feels as if she walks for a long time. She eventually comes to the cockpit, looking out into the vast nothingness of the universe. She hears a voice, and turning, sees Mal embracing a nameless woman. They are speaking in sweet, low voices to each other, unaware of Inara's presence. They kiss passionately, and Inara lets out a cry. _

Inara woke with a start, her cry carrying into her waking life. She sat up and put a hand over her thumping heart, eyes darting around the room, realizing that it was only a dream. She took a deep breath and tried to calm herself. She brought her legs up to her chest and wrapped her arms around them. She laid her head against her knees and tried to make sense of the dream. All she could think of was the image of Mal kissing another woman. It was not real, but it pained Inara nonetheless. She frowned and closed her eyes, trying to rid the image from her head. Feeling restless, she shook her head and stood up, deciding to take a walk to calm herself. She slid into her silk robe and put on her slippers, and left her shuttle.

She walked through the spacecraft, thinking how different her dream's version of it was, and felt comforted knowing that it was still the same as it had always been. As old and dingy as this Firefly was, it had a character that no other craft she had ever been on possessed, and she loved it. She felt more at home here than she did anywhere else. She suddenly felt sad that she would have to force herself to leave it again.

Her night wandering eventually led her to the kitchen, as she suspected it might. She lit the candles on the table; hoping firelight would calm her nerves a bit. She decided to make chamomile tea with honey and milk, because it always seemed to make her feel better no matter how down she was. She lit the stove and set the kettle on top. She went to the table and sat down, watching the candles flicker.

She suddenly remembered the Buddhist belief about the self, which was that the self was more of an essence, or flame, that carried, or flickered, to different bodies, or candles, in each life. She liked to think that she was a flame, and in her next life she would be someone else, in different circumstances than her own. Mal would also be someone else, and maybe their essences could finally unite without consequence or complications. She smiled at the thought.

"Couldn't sleep either?" said a deep familiar voice.

Inara was so startled that she almost knocked one of the candles over. Her eyes quickly found the source of the voice, and saw a surprised yet sleepy-eyed Mal peering at her from the doorway. She quickly stood up and composed herself.

"Yes, I was having some trouble, but I think I will be able to now," Inara said quickly, not looking Mal in the eyes. "Goodnight," and with that started walking towards the doorway.

But Mal seemed hesitant to move out of her way. He glanced at the kettle on the stove. "You were making tea?"

"Yes," Inara said, frustrated that Mal was in her way. "Help yourself."

Inara was very close to Mal at this point, and Mal looked down at her questioningly. Inara glanced up at him for a moment, wide-eyed, but quickly looked down again. She could feel him getting closer, his face right above hers. She felt his breath against her forehead, the heat and smell of his body so close to hers. She wanted so badly to wrap her arms around his torso.

But instead she stepped back, and her eyes finally met Mal's. His face was a mix of longing and pain, but Inara did not waver, keeping her face as emotionless as possible. She looked towards the doorway, making it obvious that she wanted to leave.

"Excuse me," Mal said, and moved out of her way.

Inara stepped towards the doorway without a word, but felt Mal grab her hand just as she was about to go through the doorway.

"Inara."

Mal waited, but Inara would not look at him. She stood there, frozen. Just as Mal was about to start speaking again, the kettle started to whistle. Inara then turned to him, freeing herself from his grasp.

"Goodnight, Mal," she managed to say in a shaky voice.

Mal gazed at her, frowning with his eyebrows knotted. He took a step towards her but she had already started to turn away, and was gone before Mal could grasp onto her again.

Inara practically stumbled back to the shuttle because she was shaking so badly. She could feel tears behind her eyes but refused to let them out. _Damn him_, she thought. _Damn him for making me feel this way._ She had promised herself years ago that she would never let a man make her helpless, but here she was, helplessly in love with one. She hated herself for being so stupid, for not leaving Serenity when she first started to feel this way. She kept making excuses for why she needed to stay, never really admitting to herself that it was Mal who was unknowingly keeping her here.

These thoughts stayed with her for hours until she finally came to the conclusion that she must leave as soon as she could. _This can't go on,_ she thought. _This must end now._

After a long night with little sleep, Inara opened her eyes and let the memory of the night before come back to her. She sat up in bed and put her head in her hands, trying to prepare herself for the stressful day she knew was to come. She gave herself a sponge bath and tried to relax as she dressed and applied her makeup as usual. _Hold yourself together, _she told herself. _Nothing good will come of your emotions today._ She sighed and put down her makeup brush.

She left her shuttle and started walking towards the area of the ship that the bedrooms were located. She was startled when River jumped into her path.

"You're leaving us," River said decidedly.

Inara smiled, rolling her eyes. "River, I can't tell you how scary it is when you do that." She sighed. "But yes, I am leaving, as soon as I can."

River cocked her head. "But why?"

"You know why," Inara laughed. "Don't you?"

"I do," River replied. "But I thought it was important for you to say."

"I actually would rather not, if you don't mind, River. I'm not in the mood."

River nodded. "I will miss you, Inara. Everyone will."

"I will miss you, too, River." Inara said sadly. "But I won't leave for a few days, at least. I don't know how close we are to Persephone."

"About a day," River said quickly.

"Are we?" Inara said, surprised. "Well, that's all for the better, I suppose." She looked at River. "Do you know where –"

"In the engine room with Kaylee."

Inara looked at River incredulously. "You know, you could _pretend_ you don't know what I'm about to say."

River smiled, and continued down the hallway in the opposite direction Inara was headed.

Inara found Mal in the engine room with Kaylee, as River predicted. Inara did not reveal herself right away. She listened to the conversation between Mal and Kaylee. There seemed to be something wrong with the engine, and they were arguing about a part that needed to be replaced. Kaylee's face, covered in engine soot, was twisted in frustration as she described to Mal what needed to be fixed.

"For the last time, I don't speak space engine," Mal said, exasperated. "Now if you could just explain what that means in normal talk – "

Mal had finally realized that Inara was standing there, and was looking right at her. Kaylee, who had not, started explaining the problem with the engine so that Mal could understand, which she was obviously annoyed that she had to do. When she did not get a reply from Mal, she glanced up at his face and followed his gaze right to Inara. She smiled.

"Oh, hello Inara!"

"Hello," Inara said warmly. "I'm sorry to interrupt –"

"Not at all," Mal said quickly. There was an awkward tension as he tried to decide what to say next. He looked at Kaylee and back at Inara again.

"It can wait," Inara finally said. "I just wanted to speak to you about something, Captain."

Kaylee gazed wide-eyed at Inara and then at Mal.

"Don't let me keep you," she said. "I'm going to just work on this for awhile."

Mal nodded. "Well, uh, let's find somewhere to talk, then." Inara followed Mal out of the engine room into the corridor. Without turning, Mal spoke again. "Is the cockpit alright with you? I don't think River is there at the moment."

"Yes, that's fine," Inara replied.

They walked into the cockpit and Inara closed the door behind them. Mal turned to face her, his face rather stoic, but his curiosity still evident.

Inara began right away, not wanting the tension to grow between them. "I have decided that I want to live on Persephone," she said carefully. "I am well-respected there and I will have plenty of customers. I do not wish to rush you but I would be grateful if you could take me there as soon as possible."

Mal nodded. "Yes, of course. I'll tell River to route us there right away."

"Thank you," said Inara. "Now, I have a lot of packing to do, so I must go to my shuttle." She quickly glanced at Mal, and then turned to leave, hoping to get away before he could say anything.

"Inara, please wait," Mal said quickly, taking a step towards her. Inara closed her eyes tightly, damning herself for not being fast enough. She then opened her eyes again before turning around to face him again. She gazed at him, waiting for him to speak.

"I…well I just wanted to thank you for bein' here. After everything. I think everyone was real glad to have you here."

Inara nodded. "Of course."

They stood in silence for a moment before Mal spoke again.

"And, you know, I…I was real glad to have you here too. I mi… missed you." The last two words were spoken so low they were barely audible.

Inara was shocked. She had never heard Mal say anything so personal. She was at loss for words. _Don't let him get to you,_ she kept telling herself.

"I know," she said, looking down. They were silent for so long this time that it felt like an eternity.

Mal took another step towards her. "And well, I reckon' you mighta missed me too. I mean, I'm not tryin' to say you missed me more than anyone else might miss someone, but I thought maybe, that you comin' back to the ship meant somethin', and that you might stay for awhile, I mean if you wanted to, because of course you're welcome to – "

"Mal, stop," Inara said, cutting him off. She looked up at him, and realized how close he had gotten to her while he was rambling. "I need to leave. I never intended to come back in the first place. You don't need to make this hard for us."

Mal breathed in, as if he were about to speak again, but stopped himself. He sighed, and looked at the ground. He looked back up at her again, desperate.

"You liked it here before," he said.

"You don't get it, do you?" Inara said, frustrated. "I can't do this anymore. This isn't working. I have a life, a career. I've worked my whole life to get to this point, to be independent." She was practically yelling. "And then you think you can tell me to just throw it all away. This is my _life_, Mal. I can't just give it up for you."

She blurted out the last part unwillingly, and Mal looked taken aback. "Inara, I never asked you to give anything up."

"But you _have, _Mal," Inara said, her voice shaking. "Don't you see? Every time you jealously disapprove of my lifestyle, you're asking me to give it up. I can't be the woman you want me to be. I'm not the one you want."

Mal stepped closer to her so that they were only inches apart, and took her hand. "But you are. You've always been."

Inara's eyes filled with tears and she turned away, but Mal didn't let go. He pulled her toward him again, and when she was facing him, he forced his mouth against hers, giving her no choice but to admit defeat. She put her hands around his neck, and taking that as permission, he wrapped his arms around her waist and drew her body up so that her face was at his height. He was eager and ardent, releasing all the built-up tension in that kiss. Inara kissed him back, hesitant but unable to stop, wanting it as much as he did. He moved his lips against her hastily, as if he was afraid the moment would end before he was finished. He held her against him tightly, unwilling to let her go or even loosen his grip, and Inara could hardly breathe. He finally released her lips only to move to her neck, kissing every spot from her ears to her collarbone.

"Mal, please," she finally managed to say, between gasps and uneven breaths. "I can't stay – "

But Mal's lips were on hers again before she could say anymore, and she realized she was grateful that she didn't have to continue. He set her back down on the ground, and this time he kissed her slower, more carefully, lovingly, holding her gently. She put her hands on his face and pushed away from his lips. Still holding his face, she gazed up into his eyes, which were fiery with passion. Just as he was about to crush his lips against hers again, she moved her face to the side and wrapped her arms around him in a hug, laying her head against his chest. He held her close and nuzzled his head against the top of hers. Inara continued to let her tears fall, her whole body shaking as she cried.

Mal must have sensed that she was about to speak, because he said, "Shh. Let's not talk anymore."

Inara closed her mouth but continued to cry against his chest. After awhile, she let go and looked up at him again. This time she was determined, defiant.

"You can't make me stay," she said in a broken voice.

"I can't," Mal confirmed, sadly.

"I'm leaving," she said.

Mal nodded, frowning, looking like he wanted to cry too. Inara's eyes filled with tears again and she released herself from his grasp and opened the door so she could run from the room.

To her surprise, she saw Kaylee, Simon, River, Zoe and Jayne standing outside the door of the cockpit room, looking very suspicious. She realized they had been listening to their whole conversation. Exasperated, she ran past them, not wanting to deal with them.

"Inara," Zoe called after her, concerned.

"Leave me alone," Inara yelled back, running all the way back to her shuttle. She felt like a child, unable to deal with the emotions that were overwhelming her. She slammed the door of her room and fell to the ground, shaking with tears.


End file.
